So what do you do when your baby refuses to sleep? Or sleeps poorly?
I have learnt – after 6 babies – and am still learning, that babies are human beings, made in the image of God. They are not robots. They do not always follow the pattern that the baby book “experts” say. None of my babies ever slept the number of hours the “experts” say they should . In fact I am always envious of friends whose babies sleep A LOT. Mine never do. Even as newborn babies.
So what do mothers do when their babies don’t sleep?
Go with the flow
The way I see it, you could choose from two options – get stressed about it or go with the flow. It is of course easier to go with the flow if your personality is the more laid back type. But for Type A personalities, it is rather difficult. Ask me how I know! But I have learnt, that it is really useless to get stressed about it.
You can’t make someone – baby or not – go to sleep. As the proverbial saying goes “You can bring a horse to the water but you can’t make it drink.” So the best way to deal with it is to go with the flow. This is not to say that you do not have routines. You do. But if the baby does not conform to your schedule, it is time to change it and not get stressed.
And – laugh! Keep your sense of humour about you!
What About Routines and Schedules?
If you have read enough of my articles and blog, you will know that I am all for routines and schedules. But a newborn baby is not to be treated like an older child.
Instead of wondering why your baby won’t nap for 2 hours or sleep 3 times a day, as the “experts” say, your time would be better spent learning to read your baby’s sign. The clock serves to confirm your “guesses”.
For example, the baby is fussing and you think it is time for his nap. You look at the clock and yes, he has been awake for about 2 hours now. And therefore it is time for him to take a nap.
Then work your routine and schedule around the baby. Once that is settled then you can slowly tweak it to fit into the family’s activities. But the new baby’s needs comes first.
If you have textbook babies, then your job is easy. It is when you have a high need, koala-type baby, then you need to be even more relaxed. Not an easy thing to do but babies are very sensitive. They can sense your anxiety and will act up even more making you even more stressed!
Not easy for a first time mom, I know. Spend your time praying for wisdom and then observe your baby instead of worrying about him not fitting into a schedule.
Our Experience
How does this all work out? Let me share with you how I am handling this with our latest blessing who’s the koala-type of baby.
I started by putting her on a very loose 2-hour feeding routine. (This is especially important for us since our babies tend to have jaundice.) Now take note that this baby has an intense need to suck – she has found her thumb at 1.5 months! And I thought my oldest who found his thumb at 2.5 months old was early! She needs to suck to go to sleep. Even if it means overeating, she will still nurse to sleep! She has, more than once, thrown up her feed and then promptly gone back to sleep!
In the beginning this meant that she would be nursing every hour! But now, she is occasionally able to go to sleep just being rocked. Sometimes she will nap for a good 2 hours. Most times though, she takes cat naps throughout the day. Nursing herself to sleep. Meaning, only **I** can get her to sleep!
This would have stressed me to no end as a young mom (which was what happened with our third, because nothing could be done since I was either holding or nursing the baby to sleep). But since then, I have learnt to do many things with just one hand/arm. And I also know that this season will soon pass if handled correctly.
How I coped
a) going with the flow and
b) having a sense of humour about the whole situation!
In practical terms, I learn to take advantage of any pockets of time I have when she’s either sleeping or being occupied by her siblings to prepare food/cook/wash the dishes/iron the clothes/anything that requires two hands. One great benefit is that I have learnt to be very efficient with those pockets of time.
What About Sleep Training?
Ah! This is a hot potato! Everyone is asking when I will begin to sleep train her. I say “What’s the rush?” She’s not even 2 months old. I know some books advocate starting from Day 1 but I don’t.
I start the scheduling of feeds on Day 1, especially, as mentioned, since all our babies have had jaundice. But I do not start sleep training from Day 1. If you read Sleep Training, you know that we do sleep train our children. But not from Day 1. I cannot emphasise this enough because I do not want any misunderstanding to occur.
There are some overzealous moms (and dads) out there who will just take what we are saying and run a mile with it You can do it of course but I highly recommend that you do not. Unless you have done it before and know exactly what you are doing.
But The Baby Keeps Crying!
Babies cry for a myriad of reasons. Read any baby care book and they’ll most likely have an exhaustive list of questions to help you along. But sometimes, there are babies who cry for seemingly no reason. They just need to be held or nursed.
In such a situation, if you choose to be a stickler to your routine, you would get very stressed. That’s why my advice is to learn to go with the flow. As your baby matures, things will slowly fall into place. Your baby is special, unique. He may or may not follow the general pattern of other babies.
Ask God for wisdom on how to handle him. Look to someone you respect for advice. But in the end, you are the baby’s mother, and though it may seem incredulous, you actually know what is best for your baby.
Manage Your Expectations
Obviously, if you have a high need baby, you will need to adjust your usual expectations of how an organised house runs. Especially if you aren’t getting enough sleep. This is not the season of your life to be serving gourmet meals and baking everything from scratch. The time will come when you can. For now, pare everything down to the bare minimum so that you don’t get stressed. Talk to your husband about the situation and seek his understanding and help.
One more thing – this is not the time to skip meals and not take your supplements. Yes, it is difficult to get a decent meal when your baby wants to be held all the time. But if you don’t eat well, you aren’t going to have the energy to deal with your baby. Either learn to eat with the baby or use those pockets of time when he is quiet to eat something.
I Am Tired!!!
Yes, I totally understand and empathise with you. Just having a baby is tiring. But having a baby that doesn’t sleep wears you out even more. That is why after a while, he needs to learn to sleep on his own. But for now, you will have to hang in there. If this is your first baby, it is easy – just sleep when he does. But when you have a toddler or more around, then you need to get creative.
Rest Times for ALL
For me, I get everyone to go for their quiet/rest period from 1:30 – 3:30pm. Yes, everyone.
They don’t all go to rest at the same time – the younger ones go in to sleep first while the rest hang around doing quiet things (reading, card or computer games, etc…) until it is their turn to go and lie down. This is a routine I set up before the baby comes so that everyone is used to it.
Then, I try very hard to get the baby to sleep at that time block as well. If that does not happen, then I just have to wait for those pockets of time to just lie on the sofa for some shut eye.
Eat!
And as mentioned above, eat! It will give you the energy to keep pushing on. You may not feel it will but this season will pass. Your baby’s system will mature and soon enough he will be able to settle down and sleep longer. Then you can start the sleep training.
Before I go, I want to leave you with this:
Enjoy your baby!
Otherwise, when you look back, all you recall are the sleepless nights and crying (yours and his!). That would be so sad, wouldn’t it? I hope this is of some help, especially for new mothers!