Warning : Rant ahead!
I guess the most standard question asked of homeschoolers must be : what about friends??? OR ” You have friends???” All asked with the wide-eyed, incredulous look. I seriously dislike this question. On so many levels.
Never assume
First it assumes that making and having friends is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in life. Next it assumes that homeschoolers do not have any friends. Er… We are homeschoolers, not hermits 🙂
Are friends only found in schools?!
Now maybe some of you have bosom buddies that date back to when you were in Primary School. But I bet most of you have lost touch with these friends. In fact, most of those in your friends’ circle right now were probably made when you were an adult. From your workplace, your church or some activity that you picked up somewhere or maybe, horrors! your best friend may even be your sibling!!! 😛
I tell my children, if you are polite and nice you will make friends. And generally, when you chat with people and show a genuine interest in them, people will flock to you! Seriously, the ability to make friends is not contingent on whether you go to school or not. Now, going to a brand name school may help you make friends that may help you network with them years down the road. But it is my belief that it is God who opens and shuts doors, not the friends you make in school!
Friends are not the end all and be all of life
Seriously, making and having friends is not the be all and end all of life. Says the introvert 😀 Of course it is nice to have friends. And the extroverts amongst us probably need them. But I believe homeschooled or not, the children will have them.
They may not have as wide a circle of friends as public-schooled children but is that necessary and good? Unless you need constant external affirmation, why do you need 40 friends when a few good friends will do? Remember, when you are in school, you are forced to be friends with the people you spend all your time with, like it or not. Some of us find some that we can click with but there are many who don’t and are plain miserable.
Socially awkward?
Related to the friends issue is the assumption that homeschoolers are socially awkward creatures. Sigh. Sure there are socially awkward homeschooled children but there are also socially awkward public-schooled children, no?
I wonder why public schooling is never blamed on socially awkward children and adults, but a socially awkward homeschooled child just has to be the product of his schooling method. Hmmm??? Why is being socially awkward or not credited to the type of schooling one has?
Having friends or not is not a product of schooling method
I have children who are very reserved in their younger years which I wrote about in When your child prefers to stick to you in social situations. Many a time I have heard their behaviour excused with, “Oh, that’s because they are homeschooled!” And when they decide to open up (around the age of 5 and 6), it is credited to them attending some class or other. No, just no. It is a maturity and personality issue, not the way they are/have been schooled.
For the record, my children do have friends and do engage with and interact with people of all ages very comfortably. Yes, even when their mother is an introvert and prefers staying home than going out to large gatherings 🙂
3 Comments on The topic of friends
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The question of “what about friends?” isn’t based on an assumption that friends are THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in life. Why would you jump to that conclusion? It does suggest though, that socializing and having friends are desirable traits to have, and people are often curious as to how home schooled kids can adequately fulfill that aspect of development, seeing as they don’t go to school. That’s all.
While I agree with you that a children’s social personality is not always a result of the type of schooling he or she receives, I doubt you can deny that being in a public school setting can expose a child to certain social benefits that might be lacking in the home front. Similarly, home schooling confers benefits on a child that public schooling simply cannot provide.
I visited your blog after a friend sent me a link to a speech/presentation you gave on mother’s day this year. I am encouraged by, and agree with, many of the principles and values that guide your life with your family.
With all due respect, however, I feel that you tend to be unnecessarily offended ( and therefore defensive) about many things …. in particular, about the opinions / unwelcome comments that others seem to have about stay home mothers who homeschool. This blog is meant to inform and build up others who are harmlessly ignorant about familial situations that differ from theirs; you shouldn’t make it a platform to defend yourself against what you perceive are judgmental inquisitions about your life. When you get too defensive, sometimes you go on the offensive about others. Not so nice yeah -_-
I recall a post where you got really sensitive about an acquaintance who regarded “housewives” with disdain. What for? Be confident about who you are, and let that confidence shine through amicably. Only then, I feel, will you truly be able to be a beacon of encouragement to other moms who need it most. Cheers 🙂
Thank you for visiting and commenting.
You wrote, “With all due respect, however, I feel that you tend to be unnecessarily offended ( and therefore defensive) about many things …. in particular, about the opinions / unwelcome comments that others seem to have about stay home mothers who homeschool. ”
No. I believe you have read certain attitudes and tones where there were none. Are you a SAHM or a homeschooler? Because, both SAHMs and homeschoolers face a lot of discrimination and derision. Standing up for our both, I suppose can come across as defensive. But I will bear in mind what you say and be a lot more careful of how I phrase out my thoughts.
I share you sentiment, j4zhang. =)
While it is true that stay at home moms and those who homeschool their children are often frowned upon, sometimes those tough questions come from well intentioned relatives, or sahms who are considering to homeschool but are clueless (like me), or people who are just plain curious. And though making friends is not end-of-the-world kind of an issue, we still have to admit that significant amount of peers interaction during childhood (which is different from adult-child interaction) is necessary, both for children’s brain development and for honing their social skill. Yes, those childhood friends might no longer be in my radar today but no doubt those years of play and interactions have honed my social skills tremendously.
Perhaps the point is less about defending homeschoolers against public schoolers when it comes to the topic of friends but more about how homeschoolers can creatively set up platforms for their children to interact with their peers too. I’ll be more eager to learn about that from you instead of replying “we are not hermits, people!!!” to those who pose the “what about friends?” question to me.
Cheers =)