OR…Stop blaming the baby!
I have heard this comment too many times – whenever an older child of a pregnant mummy acts up, everyone will offer the same type of comment – “Oh! It’s because of the baby!”
This gets my goat because :
(1) It’s not always the baby’s fault &
(2) It excuses the older child’s behaviour so nothing needs to be done about it!
1. Let’s start with not everything is always the baby’s fault.
Poor baby. From the moment the baby is conceived, it will be blamed for all misdeeds that the older child gets himself into.
Eg. Child acts up & starts throwing a temper tantrum because things don’t go his way. Immediately, the cause is “Oh! He senses that something is happening & therefore is acting up.” Well, yes, he does sense something & it is mummy being more tired & more pre-occupied with things on her mind than paying him attention. And so he acts up to get her attention.
Notice how if you were not pregnant but was pre-occupied trying to finish up a project near its deadline, he will also tend to be throwing more temper tantrums than usual?
So it is not the baby’s fault but mum’s pre-occupation with things that has gotten him uptight & anxious. If mum is able to still focus on him & not space out too much, then he will not be acting up as much.
But I fully understand that sometimes mum is just too tired or too busy looking down a toilet bowl to function normally. Then it is best to explain to the child & start getting him involved & independent. Never underestimate a child’s ability!
2. A Developmental Phase
The other point is that sometimes the acting up & misbehaviour has to do with developmental phases of growing up & nothing to do with mum’s pregnancy! This was espcially clear to me when I was pregnant with my 4th child. #3 was acting up & everyone around me was chanting the same refrain – he knows baby is coming that’s why. To which I would retort – “My friend son who is of the same age is exhibiting the same behaviours & she’s definitely not pregnant!” Again, not everything is the baby’s fault!
Blaming things on the baby is not helpful at all. It implies that mum shouldn’t have gotten herself pregnant (as tho being pregnant is a curse) & that now nothing can be done about it because it is just to be accepted that such behaviours must prevail & be tolerated.
3. So how now?
Since I do not pay heed to the common refrain I deal with misbehaviours as I always do. (You may want to see the write-up on Discipline for more details). Explain & discipline consistently. By doing so, I am showing the child that his world is still safe & secure. Things are changing but daddy & mama are still there for him. He doesn’t have to keep testing the boundaries to check if they are still there.
May this bless you & ease the guilt trip you may have been put on