Do you sometimes feel that you are held hostage by your children? Should you even feel that way?
The children rule the roost
I have been reading and hearing about children who rule the home with their behaviour and it makes me sad. In the name of LOVE, these children have been allowed to run amok and run the home. They are the kings and queens that their parents have to pay homage to.
No wonder children are often not viewed as the blessings they are supposed to be.
DISCLAIMER : I am not saying that children should never misbehave. Or that my children are perfect. No way!
Misbehaviour should be the exception not the norm
But misbehaviour and disobedience should be the exception and not the norm, especially when they are young. If they will not learn obedience and submission now, how will they be able to function in the world at large?
Are they going to be throwing a temper tantrum if their boss did not award them a high profile project/bonus/promotion/room with a view?
If they will not obey an instruction to go to bed, eat their food, brush their teeth, how are they going to live in a society which has rules and regulations? How will they obey when God calls on them?
No, I am not saying we must spank to discipline. See Teach Obedience, Don’t Just Spank. But there must be discipline in the home. How you choose to discipline is an individual family’s decision but there must be discipline, I say again.
Who’s the boss?
If, at 4, they dictate what time they want to sleep and what they want to eat, can you imagine them at 14? Scary! We must not be shortsighted when we parent. We need to project into the future. What we allow now has consequences.
And please do not use the oft-used excuse of “But they are only children”. We need to train them to be adults not keep them in their childish ways. So yes, they will make mistakes, “fight” with us and push boundaries. That is to be expected. But that doesn’t mean we give in to them.
Afraid to offend
Giving in to a child’s demands or suffer their temper tantrums is not love. It is indulgence. It is also lazy parenting (sorry, telling it as it is). A wise mom once said that as Christians, we are here to raise these little ones to be servants of the Most High King, not just make them happy.
But most people (Christian or not) are busy entertaining their children or too afraid to offend them. So they end up raising children who believe that they are the most important creatures in the world. Totally unlike what my mom used to say to me, again and again, “The world doesn’t revolve around you!”
Have non-negotiables
In our home, bedtimes, mealtimes, schoolwork and even household chores are non-negotiables. In time to come, when the older ones demonstrate maturity (I hope!) they can come and negotiate with us, respectfully.
I am really disturbed by the number of parents, especially moms, who often tell me that they can’t get their child to sleep at a decent time. One finally managed to get hers to do so when she started school because the girl liked school! Imagine that! What if the girl hated school?!
Another mom I know prepared three different meals for her 3 children. Wow! Is she being a good mother? Or a taken-for-granted mother?
And then there are those who are held hostage by their children whenever they go out or when they have baby. In both cases, the child certainly shows them who’s the boss!
Let me have my way or I’ll scream and embarrass you in front of all these people. And you better pay attention to me and not the baby or I’ll make sure you feel so guilt ridden you can’t function!
Don’t give up!
Either scenario, the parent gives in, give up (?!) and the child rules the roost once again. YOU are the parent. YOU are placed over the child by God to raise him. You can’t do that if he does not respect you and if you constantly waver when he puts the pressure on you.
Of course, things would have been smoother and better if you had not allowed your children to hold you hostage in the first place. But it’s never too late to start. Don’t give up on them or concede defeat.
You just need to be very firm. Sit the children down, draw out the new boundaries and don’t budge. They will push hard against your new boundaries and test you all the time. But if you remain firm and remind them of the new rules, they will respect you and start minding you instead of holding you hostage.
Be the parent, not the hostage
Stand firm. Parent in love. But don’t be a softie. Don’t be held hostage by your own children.
Related Posts
Teach Obedience, Don’t Just Spank
Just Say “No”