I have just one younger brother. We are as alike as chalk and cheese.
In both physical appearance and personality. No one would ever guess we are related just by looking at us, unless we told them. And even then, they may not believe us. Now, you would think that since we only have each other, we would be close. But it has not worked out that way.
When young, we only played with each other because we had no choice. As we grew up, we retreated into our own worlds. Me to my books, he to his tv. We spent time with our own circle of friends, our worlds never coming together. As adults, we are still not close. In fact, I know more about what is happening in my friends’ lives than in his. It was only after he had children of his own, that we talk a bit more, often commiserating over the health woes our children have.
Why the long background?
I have 7 children. I do not wish my children to have such a distant relationship with each other. It is my prayer that they will always be close to one another, choosing one another’s company because they prefer it and not because they have to.
But I also know I cannot force it. They don’t have to like each other just because they are siblings. My mother’s constant refrain of “Because he is your brother!” did not bring me closer to my brother. In fact, it made it worse.
Taking advice from the Book of Genesis
Then it got me thinking and wondering how we, as parents, can encourage our children to like and enjoy each other’s company and reduce any resentment against one another.
I just finished the Book of Genesis as part of my morning devotions. By Chapter 4, we have the first story of sibling rivalry that culminated in a murder. Cain was jealous that God chose Abel’s offerings over his and killed him (simplified version).
In Chapter 25, we learn of the different personalities between Esau, a man of the fields, and Jacob, a man content to stay home. Instead of bridging the gap between the 2 brothers, the parents took sides. Esau was favoured by Isaac, and Jacob by Rebekah (Genesis 25:28). This case of sibling rivalry has led to huge problems for them and for the rest of the world, even until today.
And finally, in Genesis Chapter 37, we see how favouritism resulted in sibling rivalry which almost led to another sibling murder (Genesis 37:19-20). It was only because of God’s protection and will that Joseph ended up as a hero and not a victim. (Genesis 50:20).
Encourage sibling closeness not rivalry
What can we learn from these stories? As parents, WE set the tone of our children’s relationship with one another. Therefore, we should be mindful of the following :
1. Don’t play favourites or play one child against another
If there is only one lesson you get from this post, this is it : DON’T PLAY FAVOURITES. It has long term repercussions. It may be difficult if you have one child that you constantly butt heads with. But you are the adult. BE the adult. Don’t play one child against another. Do not turn away from this child and to the “easier” child. This is one sure way for the child to resent his sibling big time.
2. Don’t play the big brother card
Have you ever played the big brother or big sister card on your older child? The “You are the big sister, give in to him!” instruction?
Don’t.
This is yet another way that encourages resentment and bitterness of the older one against the younger one. Besides, it breeds an entitlement attitude in the younger one. I see this a lot when young children play together.
The scenario : Younger child (YC) goes up to the older child (OC) and takes his toy away because he wants to play with it NOW. The parent, instead of teaching YC to ask for permission or to wait his turn, tells OC, “Let YC have it, he is younger than you.”
This is not a once-off affair but a daily one. What does this teach both children? It teaches OC that his feelings and wishes do not count. That he must always give way to YC just because he is the older one. What kind of feeling will OC have towards YC? Warm fuzzy feelings? Or I-want-to-kill-him feelings?
Instead, teach YC to ask for permission to have that toy. And if the answer is “wait” or “no”, to accept it graciously. Not yell or throw a massive temper tantrum. And definitely not get rewarded with a “better” toy by mom.
I am not saying to never ask the older one to give in to the younger one. The older one also needs to learn to be generous. But don’t use that line as the default instruction whenever they fight over things.
3. Spend intentional time together
I think we also need to be proactive in encouraging sibling closeness instead of just hoping it will happen naturally. One way we do this is plan to deliberately spend time together.
Some examples include going for family outings which often end with a meal, and going for family vacations. Spending all that time together leads to a build up of a huge bank of shared memories. Shared memories bond people. And you cannot have shared memories if you are not spending time together. This is one reason why we invest in family vacations even though it is not cheap for our large family. It allows us to experience new things together. And the children talk about it for years after that.
By virtue of our homeshooling lifestyle, our children so spend lots of time with one another. And when they spend so much time together, they learn to get along with, and inevitably, develop fond affection for one another. Learning to live with one another’s idiosyncrasies is helpful for navigating working life.
Playing board or card games is another way that our children bond together. It is really heart warming to watch the older ones include the younger ones in their games. I give thanks for big brother David’s generosity. The siblings have lots of bonding time over board games that he buys with his hard earned money.
Not a bed of roses
Despite all we do to encourage their relationship with one another, life happens. It is not a bed of roses. They are after all, fleshy and sinful creatures. So we always marvel at people who ask, “Do they fight?” Of course they do! Not physically but with words. Harsh words, Name-calling. Cold shoulder treatment. Black faces. And I am sure after this post is published they will decide to have a fight just to prove that we don’t have it all together!
But they learn and grow. Now that they are much older (youngest is 8 this year), I try not to get involved in their spats. Let them work it out among themselves, stepping in only when things are progressing in a way that is not healthy or acceptable.
The comparison trap
The other thing that hinders sibling closeness is the need to compare. As older children gain certain privileges, the younger ones inevitably ask, “How come he gets to stay up but I can’t?” Or “How come she gets a handphone but I don’t?”
This is a good time to explain the benefits of showing responsibility and maturity. They don’t always accept it. So there’s always the “life’s not fair, get used to it” line from me! 🙂 There is no way to be 100% fair. Learn to deal with it.
Pray for sibling closeness, pray against sibling rivalry
The most important thing we can do to encourage closeness among the children is to PRAY.
Just as we would pray for sibling acceptance and love as we add each child into the family, we must keep praying for ties that bind as they grow up. Manifold changes abound as the children grow up and change, and struggle to find their place in the world. Pray that they would find their sibling relationships a source of comfort rather than a burden.
Pray especially when they move out and start families of their own. Many families break up and lose contact once the matriarch or patriarch of the family passes on. As mothers, we must keep praying and do all we can to encourage sibling relationships to flourish and not sour, to knit their hearts together. Unity in the family is something that God is pleased with (Psalm 133).
How about you? How have you dealt with sibling rivalry when it arises and how do you encourage their relationship with one another?
RELATED POSTS on encouraging sibling relationships :
Preparing older siblings for baby’s arrival and Encouraging Sibling Closeness